


Before and After

by RizGriz



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Blood, Blood and Injury, Codependency, Diego Hargreeves-centric, Emotionally Repressed, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Pre-Canon, Repressed Memories, Self-Harm, Stuttering Diego Hargreeves, Therapy, canon character death, cursing, mental health doctor, reggie taught the kids anger was bad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25363465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RizGriz/pseuds/RizGriz
Summary: Three years after leaving the Umbrella Academy Diego has what some may call a mental breakdown. Diego would call it a sign to return to the Academy.The return of repressed childhood memories leads to Diego admitting himself into a mental hospital where some of the other patients don't know who he is and don't know it's best not to talk about the comic books.*A self indulgent wip inspired by the season 2 trailer*
Relationships: Ben Hargreeves & Diego Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Grace Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves & Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 44





	Before and After

**Author's Note:**

> I may add another chapter but you shouldn't bet on it so... yeah.
> 
> also, there is a good amount of cursing in this, so just keep that it mind. also, i don't really have experience with repressed memories, only the part where shitty mental health means you don't remember a solid two year span of time, so, yeah.

Adjusting to the things life throws at you is difficult. It is especially difficult when you leave home at eighteen with no idea where to go or who they even were.

`

“Diego, we have to talk about yesterday.” Dr. Stacher started. Diego shifted in his seat, fiddling with the bandage wrapped around his hand. “You had been doing so well, Diego, what changed?”

What had changed? Nothing really, it was just that Diego had been running his finger over the underside of the table as Becky worried over her next move in Candy Land, when his skin caught on a tiny sharp edge. For the rest of the game Diego let his fingertip get caught on the edge again and again, light scratches each time but nothing to break the skin.

But then one of the guys, Brant, started talking about comic books. About Umbrella Academy comic books. And suddenly Diego’s mindless motions became more direct and intent.

The gentle finger running over that spot again and again became his hand. And when the light scratching wasn’t enough because Brant started talking about The Horror and suddenly Diego was bleeding all over the floor. Becky had shreaked, racing to his side, desperate to stifle the flow of blood.

 _“Diego! You’re bleeding!”_ she said frantically. The two of them had been admitted on the same day so they stuck together most of the time. She was really nice in a way that reminded him of mom. All gentle movements and soft words. _“Help! He’s hurt!”_

“Can you tell me why you hurt yourself?” Dr. Stacher asked.

“I don’t r-really remember anything,” Diego said. It wasn’t the entire truth. He remembered what Brant had been talking about, what had made his want to disappear or scream or hurt Brant, what made him want to go home to when everything was simple. But he did not remember slicing his palm open.

The blood and bandage was proof it had happened.

“What do you remember?”

“Brant was ta-talking about m-my broth-ther,” Diego said quietly. The edge of his bandage was fraying as he picked at it.

“Which brother?” Dr. Stacher asked softly, leaning forwards, elbows resting on her desk.

He didn’t want to answer. The hum of the air conditioning filled the silence. A clock ticked away the seconds, perched on the wall.

“B-Ben.” Diego said. “He was talking shi-it about Ben. About how it was ‘a stupid plot point for him to die’ like he wasn’t a person!”

Diego had to look away from Stacher. He’d let his anger boil up. That was wrong. That wasn’t allowed. Stacher said it was okay to be angry but she was wrong. Anger got in the way of thinking. And if you can’t think people get hurt.

“That makes you mad, and I get it. Ben was your brother and it hurts to see him reduced to some fictionalized version of him that was never real.” she said, leaning back in her shitty desk chair. “And you feel like there is no way to defend his memory.”

“Is.” Diego said firmly. Stacher cocked her head to the side, regarding Diego strangely. “He _is_ my brother.”

“How long has it been since he passed?” she asked, avoiding Diego’s statement.

“Fi-ive and half years since he got ki-killed.” Diego tried to figure out what exactly she was getting at.

“Killed? Could you elaborate a little?” she tried.

“He-he got killed. Our d-dad got him killed.” Dr. Stacher’s eyes bored into Diego’s skull, trying to read his thoughts. “He got killed but he is st-still my brother.”

“That’s true, but there is still a before and after. You are living in the after and you need to find a way to go through a world that only sees your brother as a character.” she paused, letting her words settle. “So how are you going to do that?”

“How the h-hell am I supposed to answer th-that?” Diego bit out. “T-tell me, how?”

“Have you considered embracing your identity, your past, the things that happened to you?” she asked quietly. “You are Diego Hargreeves, you survived the Umbrella Academy, you survived the loss of two of your brothers, you left and made yourself a person.”

“So? Should I just walk around with my tattoo out for everyone to see, should I not be ashamed of all the training scars, should I just let people know my legal first name?” his thumb came up to his lips, teeth biting into the soft skin around the nail. “Am I just supposed to be okay with people thinking I grew up a golden child? That we were fed from a silver spoon when we were nothing more than experiments? How will that ever be okay? What about the fact that I only made it three years in the real world before I cracked up?”

They sat silently, both a little stunned by Diego’s outburst. Not talking about Ben was Diego’s thing. Not talking about dad was Diego’s thing. Not talking about his tattoo was Diego’s thing.

“Ben is an idea to most people,” Dr. Stacher started. “You are not most people. But you cannot keep hurting yourself whenever someone doesn’t understand how you grew up or you will never make it out of here alive, let alone the world outside this building.”

Diego could see her lashes were wet, and she was holding herself back from saying something more.

“Diego, I want you to use your words instead of keeping it all in.”

`

It’s difficult when you’ve spent three years away from the only home you have ever known, away from the bad stuff, only to realize you are not okay. The doctor who admitted him called it a ‘delayed response to trauma.’

`

“Beck keeps blaming me for Diego’s psycho shit the other day!” Brant said when Dr. Acer called on him in circle therapy. “It’s not my fault Diego’s batshit!”

“Brant! That is more than enough, we are not here to blame each other. Try rephrasing it.” Dr. Acer said sternly. Becky looked like she was ready to launch herself across the circle and scratch Brant’s eyes out. Diego felt a little warmth bloom in his chest at her defensiveness.

“Fine!” Brant bit out. “Becky keeps saying it was my fault for triggering Diego’s episode the other day and I can’t figure out what the fuck I did.”

The circle sat in silence, Becky refusing to speak. She had figured out pretty quick who Diego was but had kept quiet about it. She was nice like that.

“You were talking about my brother,” Diego said softly. “Like he wasn’t a real person. Like it was all for your entertainment and it wasn’t real.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? I have talked shit about anyone!” Brant hissed out venomously. Dr. Acer reached a hand out as if to seperate them, as if half the circle wasn’t space enough.

“You were talking about my brother!” Diego repeated, worrying the edge of his bandage some more. Nurse Kate Lee would be mad at him for messing with it, but she’d be gentle taking it off all the same.

“Do you want to explain a little, Diego?” Dr. Acer asked not unkindly. The session with Dr. Stacher ran through his mind. Fuck everyone here.

He tugged the left sleeve of his sweatshirt up past his elbow.

“What the fuck?” Brant whispered when he saw Diego’s arm. The tattoo was on full display, ten years faded but still so completely, horribly, grotestly clear.

“You act like my brother was made for your entertainment!” Diego said, raising his voice. “He died! He was sixteen and he died and you sit there and fucking complain about about it being a shitty plotpoint!”

“I didn’t know!” Brant said frantically, eyes wide.

“Why!” Diego screamed, hands balled up hitting his thighs again and again. “Why does everyone think they get a say in what happened? Why!”

Beck shot up from her chair, running to Diego’s side. Wrapping him in the tightest hug she could muster, Becky pressed their cheeks together, gently petting the side of his face.

Dr. Acer called for group to end. Diego desperately wanted to go home, back to mom, but Beck’s steady hold on his shaking hands made that ache deep in his chest loosen just the tiniest bit.

`

Sometimes you think you’ve passed something only to figure out it might just haunt you forever. Or maybe not. Maybe it was up to him.

**Author's Note:**

> let me know if you enjoyed it!!!! 
> 
> If you love diego-centric fics I have a series all abt our boi if you wanna check that out! Also, let me know it there is anything I should fix in this fic!
> 
> guess who's excited for season 2??????? *whispers* me, it's me who's excited


End file.
